


I Need You

by misha_cutie_pie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brothers, Destiel - Freeform, Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-09-13 11:56:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9122455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misha_cutie_pie/pseuds/misha_cutie_pie
Summary: If the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you would do the same thing.I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t.This takes place after 9x13, after the scene in the kitchen, Dean feels like nobody needs him anymore. Will Cas and Sam convince him that he is worth it?





	1. Chapter 1

_\- If the situation was reversed, and I was dying, you would do the same thing._

_\- I wouldn’t. Same circumstances, I wouldn’t._

 

Dean is in his room. It’s been almost 5 hours now since his conversation with Sam. At first he was pissed but, eventually, his anger became guilt. He screwed up, again, as always. He had gotten another friend dead, again. Why did it kept happening to him? He loses everyone he cares about, literally everyone. First was mum, then dad, Sammy, Ellen, Jo, Cas, Bobby, Kevin… The list goes on and on, and it never ends.

 

This past week he hasn’t been able to sleep more than a few hours a night. Every time he closes his eyes he sees Kevin. The kid didn’t deserve to die. He shouldn’t have been through any of this. Just because of that ‘destiny’ crap, being a prophet and all… He was just a kid and they had gotten him into this craziness, they had gotten him killed. No, he had gotten him killed. This one’s on him. He keeps seeing that angel possessing his brother and killing his friend. Oh, God! He must have thought that it was Sam.

 

Sam, his pain-in-the-ass little brother who doesn’t need him anymore. He literally gave up everything for the kid. His one and only job: _Take care of Sammy_. Ever since he took him out of the fire that has been his reason for living. What is he going to do now? He’s so lost! He has been drinking out his pain, the only thing keeping him going being the idea that at least he had saved Sammy, but now? Now his brother had told him that he wouldn’t save him, making it clear that he doesn’t care anymore, maybe he hasn’t for a while. Hell, maybe that’s why he didn’t look for him the whole year he was in Purgatory, maybe Sam had finally out of the life he hates so much and Dean forced him to go back to it.

 

He tries to sleep again, but he keeps hearing Sammy’s words: _Same circumstances, I wouldn’t._ Well, it seems like he isn’t getting any sleep tonight. He sits in the bed and looks at the nightstand. There’s the picture of his mother, but he can’t look at it. It hurts too much. He can’t stay here. Why would he? He thought this was his home, but without Kevin and with Sammy hating him, he doesn’t have a home anymore. He can’t stay in the bunker. Too many memories. Too many regrets. He decides to go to the motel downtown.

  **. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

 

Cas arrives at the bunker late at night and finds Sam in the library, doing research.

 

> \+ Hello, Sam
> 
> * Hi, Cas. How are you?
> 
> \+ I’m fine, thank you. I just wanted to check on you
> 
> * Thanks, Cas. But we’re okay
> 
> \+ Where’s Dean?
> 
> * I don’t know

With that, Sam turns to the books again. Cas decides to go looking for Dean.

He looks in the kitchen, in the shooting range, in the garage and, finally, in his room. It seems empty. He looks around and finds that there’re a lot of things missing –clothes, weapons…–. _Where is Dean?_ He decides to share his concerns with Sam.

 

> \+ Sam! I can’t find Dean. I think he has left. Some of his clothes and weapons are missing and-
> 
> * He must have gone in a hunt. He’ll probably be back in a couple of days
> 
> \+ But he hasn’t said anything to you. That’s not like him. Are you sure he didn’t say anything?
> 
> * Cas! I’m sure he’s fine. If he wants to go in his own, let him

 Cas looks at Sam through narrowed eyes. Why isn’t Sam worried about his brother? These boys have the most co-dependent relationship he has ever seen, so how can he be so okay with Dean leaving with no warning?

 

> \+ Sam, I think-
> 
> * Cas! I don’t want to talk about this. Dean is a grown up man, he can take care of himself

 Cas senses that something has happened between the brothers, so he decides to leave it for now.

 

  **. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

 

Dean is now sitting in a motel bed and the floor is full of empty bottles of beer and whiskey. He doesn’t think he’s ever drunk this much but, who cares? Apparently no one does so, why stop? He takes another bottle of whiskey and starts drinking. He knows he should stop, but he can’t remember why. He has nowhere to go, no one to get back to, so he keeps drinking. Alcohol, hunters’ best cure to feelings. He’s always buried his feelings in alcohol and he’s not gonna change now. At some point, he decides to take out his phone and tries to dial Sammy’s number, but he stops himself from doing it. He doesn’t want anything from him anymore, so he won’t bother him. He places the phone in the table and keeps drinking. He really should stop drinking. He’s starting to feel numb, but that’s the point, to stop feeling.

 

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

 

Cas is getting worried. Dean should have called by now, or texted, but hasn’t done either. He decides to look in Sam’s mind to see if he can find why he left. He knows he promised to stop looking into their thoughts, but he needs to know.

 At first, he can’t find anything but then, he finds the memory of the conversation Dean and Sam had in the kitchen. Now he understands why Dean thought he had to leave like that. He decides to confront Sam about it.

 

> \+ Sam, I need to talk to you.
> 
> * What about Cas?
> 
> \+ Dean.
> 
> * I said I don’t want to-
> 
> \+ I’m worried about him. He normally would say where he was going or, at least, leave a note.
> 
> * I told you he can take care of himself.
> 
> \+ Why are you not worried about him? He was not in his right mind lately, he was dealing with so much-
> 
> * He was dealing with so- I’m the one who’s dealing with a lot of shit! If you haven’t noticed, I was possessed by an angel. I can’t close my eyes without seeing the memory of my own hands killing Kevin. So don’t try to make it all about him.
> 
> \+ I’m not. I’m just saying that I’m worried he might have done something stupid. I know he hasn’t been sleeping much. He was feeling awful about this whole thing. He blames himself for Kevin’s dead and regrets not telling you about Gadreel-
> 
> * That’s not new, Cas. He always feels that everything is his fault. I can’t see why this is any different. I’m sure he’s at a bar trying to get laid, so-
> 
> \+ Sam! I know about what you told him.
> 
> * What are you talking about?
> 
> \+ Don’t play dumb with me! You know what you said to him. You told him you wouldn’t save him. How do you think he felt about that?
> 
> * That’s not of your business, Cas. That’s something between my brother and me.
> 
> \+ Sam-
> 
> * I said it is not of your DAMN business, Cas! Leave me alone!

With that he picks up his books and goes into his room. Cas decides he has to find Dean, so he tries calling him to his cellphone, but it goes straight to voicemail. He didn’t have a choice. He had to use his powers, even though they were nearly drained. He concentrates in Dean and he senses him in a motel downtown. He has to get there as soon as possible, thankfully, he had the car he used to get to Lawrence.

Once he gets to the motel, he asks the receptionist if he has seen Dean and manages to get his room number. As soon as he opens the door, a strong smell of alcohol welcomes him and he knows he will probably find Dean asleep. He sees him in the floor surrounded by too many empty bottles of alcohol. He kneels next to him and tries waking him up, but he gets no response. He tries shaking him and pushing him, but nothing seems to work. He’s getting worried, so he uses his powers to check for his vitals, and he sees that his heartbeat is very slow. He’s dying! He takes him in his arms and places him in the backseat of the car to drive him to the nearest hospital. When they get there, he rushes through the doors, but the doctors won’t let him go in with Dean.

When they finally allow him to see Dean, the doctor tells him that it’s a miracle that he’s alive. He has alcohol poisoning and a concussion, probably form when he fell unconscious, and that they have to wait for him to wake up to see if he’ll be okay. Cas thanks him and sits next to Dean holding his hand.

 

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

 

It’s been two days already and Dean hasn’t woken up yet. Cas has been with him the whole time, not leaving his side. He needs to tell Sam. He’s sure he still cares, he just needs to make him realize it.

 

>  + Dean, I have to get inform Sam of your situation, but I’ll be back as soon as possible.

 

Cas holds his hand before leaving the room, and drives back to the bunker. When he arrives, he can’t find Sam in the living room, the library or the kitchen, so he decides to look in his room.

 

>  + Sam?

 No response.

 

>  + Sam!

 Sam opens the door with anger.

 

>  * What do you want, Cas?
> 
> \+ I need to inform you of something.

That seemed to catch the hunter's interest.

 

> * What? You find anything about how can I locate Gadreel?
> 
> \+ No, Sam. It’s about… It’s about Dean. He’s-
> 
> * I thought I made it clear I don’t wan-
> 
> \+ Dean’s in the hospital!
> 
> * So, he got hurt on the hunt. He’ll-
> 
> \+ Sam! How can you care so little about your brother. The person who has done everything for you. The person who gave up his childhood so you could have one. The person who sold his soul for you, who went to Hell for you. Who has always been by your side.
> 
> * Cas, you don’t understand-
> 
> \+ Oh, I understand just fine. You are mad at Dean for making a deal with a angel to save your life. Because you were ready to die, you didn’t want to be saved. Let me make it easier for you. 

Cas pushes Sam against the wall and pulls his arm against his throat.

 

>  * Cas, I can’t-
> 
> \+ I can give you what you wanted. I can kill you. Right now. You’ll have what you wanted.
> 
> * Cas, please-
> 
> \+ Please what, Sam? I’m just doing what you wanted.
> 
> * No, Cas…
> 
> \+ What is it, Sam? Tell me!
> 
> * I don’t want to die.
> 
> \+ What was that?
> 
> * I don’t want to die!

 Cas let’s go of Sam and gets out of his personal space.

 

>  + I’m glad to hear that.
> 
> * I’m sorry.
> 
> \+ Tell that to Dean. He’s the one you hurt.
> 
> * What happened to him?
> 
> \+ He’s... He's... He's in a coma.
> 
> * What?
> 
> \+ I found him on the floor of a motel room. He had drunk himself nearly to death.

 Sam doesn’t say a word. He has tears in his eyes.

 

>  * Take me to him, Cas. We have to save him.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Dean wakes up on the floor of a house he has never in before. He gets up and goes into a corridor with many doors. _What the hell happened?_ Last thing he remembers being in a motel room downtown.

\- _I have to get out of here. Where's the fucking door? And why are there no windows?_

He starts walking down the corridor and realizes that he can't see its end. _Where the fuck am I?_ He chooses a random door to open and goes in.

He finds himself in a playing yard but how is it possible? He looks around and sees a little boy that reminds him of himself. A man wearing an old cap approaches the kid and, when he turns, Dean recognizes him.

\- _Bobby? Bobby, is that you? What are you doing here?_

Bobby doesn't seem to hear him.

Bobby _: Come on, boy! Let's play some ball_

Little Dean: _But dad said I have to practice my hunting skills_

Bobby: _You've trained enough. Come on! Let's play_

Dean is shocked. He remembers that day. Dad had been gone for weeks and their only contact had been a few phone calls giving him orders, as usual. Bobby had took pity on him and took him to play to a playground; it was the first time he played baseball and the only time he played with a father figure like a normal kid. _Great! Now I miss Bobby and I'm pissed at dad. What's the point of this?_

\- _I need to get out of here_

He takes a last look at Bobby with a sad look on his eyes and turns to search for the door. He's getting anxious, he doesn't want to think about family and his childhood.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Cas is seating by Dean's bed, holding his hand. He's been like this for three days, talking softly to Dean in hope that he's is able to hear him and wakes up. Sam has been visiting him every day but he can't stand staying long, every time he sees Dean laying there, in the bed, he feels too guilty, so he's trying to look for a way of waking him up.

* _Dean, it's been five days. You have to wake up, please. We need you. You hav-_

_\+ Cas? How is he? Somethin' new?_

_* He hasn't moved yet. I'm worried. We need to do somethin'_

_\+ I know, but I haven't found anything useful_

He seats by Dean's bed and takes his other hand. He stays for two hours before he tells Cas that he's leaving again to keep researching. Cas just nods at him. He knows Sam feels sorry and is doing everything he can to help his brother, but Cas is still a little pissed at him.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

One he gets to the bunker, Sam goes right to the library. There are hundreds of books spread over the tables but he hasn't found anything useful. _What else can I do? Other than research I can do much._ He seats in one of the tables and tries to think of a book he hasn't look yet but all he can think of is Dean.

\+ _Stupid! I'm stupid! Why did I have to tell him that? As if I didn't know how he feels about being alone, not without reason. He has lost everyone he cares about at least once._

 _No, no, no, no. I can't begin thinking about this now._ But it's too late, the memories come with force and he remembers every time he has let Dean down. Ruby, leaving for Stanford, the demon blood, not telling him about the hallucinations, not looking for him in Purgatory... After thinking about everything they've been through together an idea comes to him.

\+ _That's it! I have to demonstrate to him that I still care, that I need him_

With this, he starts thinking of who can help him with this. Cas obviously can't, or won't, he'll stay with Dean until he wakes up, but perhaps there's someone else who can help him.


	3. Chapter 3

Once in the hallway, Dean starts to process what he has experienced in there. _What the hell was that? Am I going insane?_

\- _Where am I? Why am I here?_

He tries to see what is the last thing he remembers but no luck, he's confused.

\- _I might as well try another door_

He opens the next one and goes in.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Cas: _...wasn't her fault that her father Gene ran off. It was because he hated his job at the post office_

Dean: _Oh, no, man_

Cas: _What?_

Dean: _This whole industry runs on absent fathers. It's, it's the natural order._

_Cas is about to say something but the guards are coming for them._

Dean: _We should go. Come on_

Dean remembers that day. It was before the Apocalypse. They were planning on killing Raphael and Cas didn't expect to survive, so Dean he had taken to the brothel, just so he wouldn't die a virgin.

He hears a loud laugh and sees Cas and himself coming out of the building.

Cas: _What's so funny?_

Dean: _Oh, nothing. Whoo. It's been a long time since I've laughed that hard. It's been more than a long time. Years_

Dean watches as Cas looks at him with a strange look on his face and his past self's face fall a little. He remembers thinking that he had buried himself in the hunting life and forgot to enjoy his life. Remembers looking at Cas and realizing that, somehow, he had managed to take a place in Dean's heart; he had become family in a short amount of time, but he had believed in him and stayed by his side since the beginning. He remembers realizing that he trusted Cas with his life and that he would do anything for him. He smiles and watches as Cas and his past self get on the impala and drive back to the abandoned house. He sees the door and goes back to the hallway.

\- _I really should let Cas know that he's important to me, if only I could get out of here..._

He hears a muffled noise and thinking that it comes from one of the doors, goes in.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam: _I need to do this Dean. I'm sorry_

Dean: _You are leaving!? Why? I know dad was mad at you but he doesn't want you to go, he-_

Sam: _That's not why I'm leaving. I mean, in a way it might be, but I've been thinking of going to college for a while now and I got accepted in Stanford_

Dean: _But... Why didn't you say anything before? Why didn't you tell me?_

Sam: _Because I knew you would take dad's side. He wants me to keep doing the family business but I don't want to. I hate that life. I want to go to college, have friends and have a normal life_

Dean: _Normal life? You know that's not possible. You know too much about what hides in the dark_

Sam: _I can try and I-_

John: _Hey, boys! I-... What's going on?_

_John looked at the bags on the bed and then at his sons. What was going on?_

Sam: _Dad! I'm leaving. I'm going to college, I got accepted in Stanford_

John: _What!? No you are not. Dean, you knew about this?_

Dean: _Dad..._

Sam: _He didn't. I just told him_

John: _Well, you're not going_

Sam: _Yes I am. Besides, I'm 18, you can't tell me what to do_

_Sam picked up his bags and started heading to the door._

Dean: _Sammy... Sammy, wait. Please-_

John: _If you walk out of that door don't bother coming back_

_Sam stopped for a sec before finally reaching the door and stepping out._

Dean is watching all of this and he can feel a tear running down his face. He hasn't thought about this moment for so long. He remembers feeling betrayed by Sam, he thought they would always be there for each other but he just left him behind while he was trying to start a new life. He remembers getting really mad and wishing he could go with him but dad needed him, he had to stay with him. He remembers feeling completely alone, even though he had dad, but Sammy was his little brother and he had to protect him. That was the first time he felt like Sammy didn't need him anymore and that had hurt him more than he had ever admitted. A door appears in front of him and he opens it.

Once in the hallway, he tries to take control of his emotions but tears keep running down his cheeks. He takes a deep breath and dries his face with the sleeve of his flannel. _I need to get out of here. I don't know how much of this I can take._ He keeps hearing the same muffled noises from before but he doesn't know where they come from. _Okay, let's try another door._

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam is sitting by Dean's bed and he's holding his hand. Cas has gone out to let them a few minutes alone (after a little begging from Sam's part).

\+ _Dean, I don't know if you can hear me. I hope you do. I'm looking for a way of helping you, I might have found a way, but I'm not sure it will work and I need some help, but I promise that I'll do anything. I need you to come back_

Tears are running down his face but he doesn't care, he needs his brother back.

\+ _I-... I shouldn't have told you that I wouldn't save you. I was mad and hurt, but I didn't mean it. I'll make it up to you, I promise_

He hears the steps of someone coming and sees Cas at the door.

\+ _I'll be leaving now. I need to keep researching and... Yeah, bye, Cas_

_* Bye, Sammuel_

Sam turns and when he reaches the door, Cas says something.

* _Call me if you need help_


	4. Chater 4

Dean finds himself in the bunker. _What memory is this?_ He starts walking around until he hears voices coming from the library.

Dean: _Cas, uh, can we talk?_

Cas pulls a chair out for Dean.

Cas: _Of course. Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks, our time together_

\- _Oh, no. Please, no. I can't go through this again_

Dean: _Listen, buddy. Um..._

Dean stops. Cas is looking at him with all his attention and he knows that he's about to hurt him pretty badly. His eyes starting to fill with tears.

Dean: You _can't stay_

Cas' face falls and an expression of hurt and confusion takes place on his face. Dean remembers those restless nights when all he could see when closing his eyes was Cas' face.

Cas: _But... I- I thought... You..._

Cas' eyes seem about to cry but then, in a second, his stare hardens and any track of hurt is gone, a blank expression taking place.

Cas: Of _course. I understand. I'll leave as soon as possible_

He makes to get up but is stopped by a hand on his wrist.

Dean: _No! Cas, you don't understand. It's just... The thing is... Sammy's still healing and you here might attract angels and he's not ready to fight yet. I- I'm sorry_

Cas: _I see. I'll be leaving then_

He tries to walk away but Dean doesn't let go of his arm.

Cas: _Dean..._

Dean: _Wait! Please... I... Just..._

Cas starts to talk but his voice starts to tremble.

Cas: _Dean, please. Don't make this more difficult than it is._ _Please_

Dean: _Stay the night. I'll give you some money. Please, at least let me help you and make sure you'll be okay_

Cas stares at Dean, trying to analyze what is going on in his head. He sees that Dean is hurting, but it doesn't make sense. _If it hurts him so much, why is he kicking me out?_

Cas: _Dean_

He sighs deeply. He has so many feelings at the moment and everything is so new and confusing. He sees Dean waiting for an answer.

Cas: _Okay_ , _I'll stay the night_

Dean lets out a breath in relief and puts a hand on his shoulder.

Dean: _I'll prepare you a room_

Cas stays in the library and starts to think about the situation. He's human now. He's the reason that all of his brothers and sisters have fallen. _Of course Dean doesn't want me around, I'm useless now, just a burden._ Tears begin to fall down his face and he can't stop them, he doesn't have control over his emotions and everything is so overwhelming.

Dean: _Cas?_

Cas tries to dry his tears but he can't stop crying, so he turns his face from Dean.

Dean: _Cas? Are you okay?_

Cas' voice sounds broken as he speaks.

Cas: _Y- Ye- Yes. I'm fine_

Dean approaches him and puts his hand on his shoulder.

Dean: _Cas... Tell me_

Cas: _Don't- Don't worry. I'll be fine_

Dean: _Bullshit! You're falling apart!_

Cas feels a wave of rage and he turns to look Dean in the eye. At his harsh stare, Dean takes a few steps back.

Cas: _What do you care?! You just told me to leave! You're kicking me out and you expect me to be okay?_

Dean: _Cas, I-_

Cas: _Save it, Dean. I know I screwed up, again. I let Metatron fool me and now the angels have fallen and are trying to kill me. I'm human and I don't know how to control my emotions_

Tears keep running down his cheeks.

Cas: I'm _useless now. I understand why you don't want me around. It was stupid of me to believe that you'd..._

He breaks down and stars sobbing, his knees trembling and, just when he's about to fall, Dean catches him and hugs him tightly.

Dean: _Cas, you are not useless. Mojo or not, you're still you. You're my angel. I don't want you to go but he said... Nevermind_

Cas: _Who?_

Dean: _I can't explain now but I will, I promise. I just need a little time_

Cas tried to pull away from the hug, but Dean forced him back against his chest.

Dean: _Cas, you're important to me. I care about you. You're family_

Cas: _You say that, but then you treat me like... like... You make me feel like a tool, a weapon_

Dean: _I'm sorry! You're not a tool. I know we- I've been pretty harsh on you and you don't deserve it. But believe me, I care about you. I need you_

Dean is staring at himself and Cas hugging and he can't stop crying. This memory breaks his heart. He hurt Cas so bad... He remembers not being able to sleep for days because every time he closed his eyes he saw Cas, how broken he was.

A door appears in front of him and he walks into the hallway. There, he falls to his knees and starts sobbing loudly.

_* Please, Dean. Wake up. Wake up._

He looks around looking for the person who said that.

\- _Who's there? Show yourself!_

Nobody's there but he can still hear the voice.

_* You have to come back. We need you. Sam is a wreck and I- I'm falling apart. Please, wake up._

This time he recognizes the voice.

\- _Cas? Cas! Please, Cas, help me!_

But, of course, Cas can't hear him. _I need to get out of here. Don't worry, Cas. I'm gonna wake up. I'm coming back to you._

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam goes to the dungeons and prepares himself to deal with Crowley.

# _Moose? What do you want now?_

\+ _Crowley, I need your help_

# _Why the bloody hell would I help you?_

\+ _I'll make a deal with you. What do you want?_

# _What do I want? What do I bloody want? I don't know, how about... GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE!?_

\+ _Okay_

Crowley starts laughing.

# _Okay?_ _Desperate are we?_

He looks at him for a few second, trying to figure out if it's a trick.

# _Okay, I'll help you. I help you and you let me go, right? No tricks_

Sam nods in agreement.

# _What do you need?_

\+ _I need you to help me find an amulet. The one I gave to Dean when we were kids._

Crowley opens his mouth to make an annoying retort but, before he can say anything, Sam rolls his eyes and keeps going.

\+ _He- He threw it away a few years ago_

A sad look appears on his face and Crowley starts saying something with a smirk on his face.

# _Oh! Little Dean got hurt by his beloved Moose?_ _What can you have done that hurt him so bad?_

\+ _That's none of your business! Now, will you help me?_

# _Okay. Tell me, where was the last time that you saw it?_

\+ _Ohio_


	5. Chapter 5

Cas sits by Dean’s bed holding his hand. It’s been two weeks and Dean hasn’t shown signs of waking up. He hasn’t left his side the whole time and he doesn’t plan to.

*  _Dean, I don’t know if you can hear me. I hope you can, I won’t stop, just in case._

He puts his hands on his forehead and tries to heal him but no luck. _Figures_. He lost count of how many times he’s tried already.

He feels tears forming in his eyes and he moves his hand to caress his cheek.

* _Dean, please, don’t give up. You’ll get out of this. I’ll find a way and you’ll wake up. Just... Don’t give up._

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Dean is driving away in the Impala. He looks so young. _When was this?_ He sees himself looking at his watch and seeing that it’s not ticking. _Something doesn’t feel right. I better go check on Sammy_. He turns the car around and when he gets there, he runs upstairs just in time to see his little brother on the bed looking up at his girlfriend, who’s on fire. _Oh, no! Not again! Please, not this again!_ All Dean can see is what happened so many years ago to his mum. He saved his little brother then and he will save him again. He runs in, grabs his brother’s arm and forces him to get out of there.

Sam: _Jess!_

Dean: _Sam! Sam!_

Sam: _No! No!_

Dean shoves him out the door while Sam struggles.

Sam: _Jess! Jess! No!_

Dean manages to take him out of the house and, when they get to the driveway, the fireman and the police are already there.

Dean is standing still, eyes watering, watching as his brother’s world crashes down. That was one of the worst feelings he’s ever experienced. The feeling of incapacity, of not being able to help his little brother.

\- _I need to get out of here! Why can’t I just get out? I can’t take this anymore!_

He doesn’t think he will be able to get through more of this awful moments in his life.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

# _Moose!_

\+ _Crowley! Did you find it?_

# _Yes, I found it. But... Care to explain why is it so important?_

\+ _None of your business._

# _Have fun finding it then_ –He says with a smirk.

\+ _Crowley! We made a deal! You give it to me and I let you go. Now, come on, give it to me._

Crowley thinks about his options for a moment as he makes up his mind.

# _Okay, okay. I’ll give it to you. Don’t get your panties in a bunch._

He disappears for a second just to come back with the necklace in his hand.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam gets to the hospital as soon as he can and he finds Cas by Dean’s bed, holding his hand.

\+ _Cas?_

Cas doesn’t turn around or gives any sign of acknowledging his presence.

\+ _Cas? How is he? I... I know I haven’t been here but... I was just trying to come up with a way of saving him. I think I found something._

Cas makes a humming noise but, other than that, he doesn’t say anything.

\+ _Cas, please. I know you are mad. I’m mad at myself too. But I want to help my brother. I need to make sure he knows I care, that I-_

At this, Cas turns around and looks at Sam with a hard look.

* _And how would you do that? Because, if you haven’t noticed, he’s in a coma! We don’t know he can hear us so, please, explain to me what is your plan?_

\+ _Well... I... I was hoping you would help me with that. I need to get into his mind and talk to him._

* _And what will you say? Last time you talked, you hurt him bad. I won’t let you hurt him like that again._

\+ _Cas... I know, I screwed up. I was mad and I said things that I didn’t mean. But... he’s my brother. I need him. I... Just... Please, Cas, help me._

Cas looks at Sam, deep in thought.

Sam gets a little bit nervous, as he’s not used to Cas’ stares, that’s more Dean’s thing.

* _Okay. Okay, I’ll help you._


	6. Chapter 6

Dean is in the hallway again. He hates this place. He’s reliving his worst memories over and over again. He doesn’t think he can handle this for much longer. After the door to Hell... he thought he would finally break but then he heard Cas’ voice.

* _Dean, hold on. Sam had an idea. We are gonna save you._

\- _Yeah, as if Sam cares._

* _Just hold on for a little while longer, we are gonna bring you back. Just... please, for me. Hold on._

\- _Okay, Cas. For you._

Suddenly a new door appears. _No, please. Not this again. I can’t take it anymore._ But his curiosity is strong, so he opens it.

He sees himself as a teenager and an 8-year-old Sammy, alone in a motel room. He remembers this day. It was the day Sammy realized that John would never be around but Dean would. He had stolen some kid’s Christmas presents for him, so he wouldn’t think that John had forgotten about them.

Young Dean: _Sam, wake up! Das was here. Look what he brought._

Little Sammy: _Dad was here?_

Young Dean: _Yeah. Look at this we made a killing._

Little Sammy: _Why didn’t he try to wake me up?_

Young Dean: _He tried to, like a thousand times._

Little Sammy: _He did?_

Young Dean: _Yeah. Did I tell you he would give us Christmas, or what? Go on, dive in._

They sat by the couch and Sammy starts opening his presents. Sammy’s expression is a serious one.

Young Dean: _What is it?_

Little Sammy: _Sapphire Barbie._

Dean chuckles.

Young Dean: _Dad probably thinks you’re a girl._

Little Sammy: _Shut up!_

Young Dean: _Open that one._

Sam opens it and it’s another girly toy.

Little Sammy: _Dad never showed, did he?_

Young Dean: _Yeah, he did. I swear._

Little Sammy: _Dean... Where’d you get all this stuff._

Dean looks down and sigh.

Young Dean: _Nice house up the block. I swear I didn’t know they were chick presents. Look, I’m sure dad would have been here if he could._

Little Sammy: _If he’s alive._

Young Dean: _Don’t say that. Of course he’s alive. He’s dad._

Sam gets a package from his pocket and holds it out to Dean.

Little Sammy: _Here, take this._

Young Dean: _No. No, that’s for dad._

Little Sammy: _Dad lied to me. I want you to have it._

Young Dean: _You sure?_

Little Sammy: _I’m sure._

Young Dean unwraps the gift and sees that is an amulet.

Young Dean: _Thank you, Sam. I- I love it._

Young Dean put it on and smiled.

Dean can feel tears running down his face. He raises his hand and touches his chest, expecting to feel the amulet there, but then he remembers; he threw it away.

He goes back into the hallway, falls to his knees and starts sobbing.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Cas and Sam are in Dean’s hospital room. They had to make sure that no one would interrupt them, so they had to wait until visiting hours were over.

They look at each other and Sam sits in the chair next to Dean’s bed and takes his hand.

* _Sam?_

\+ _Hm. What is it Cas?_

Cas looks sad and worried.

* _Please, bring him back._

\+ _I will, Cas._

Cas nods and makes Sam sleep then connects his mind him to Dean’s.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam finds himself in a long hallway full of doors. _How am I supposed to find Dean?_ He hears a quiet noise that seems to come from the end of the corridor. He starts walking forward but it never seems to end, so he starts running until he sees a crouching figure.

\+ _Dean?_

He doesn’t seem to hear him, so he puts a hand on his shoulder. Dean looks up, and pulls away, startled.

\- _Sam?_

\+ _Dean, listen to me. You-_

\- _What are you doing here? Wait, this can’t be real. You are not real. You can’t be._

\+ _Dean... I’m real. Well... kind of. Cas... Cas is making a connection between our minds so I can talk to you._

\- _Cas?_

\+ _Yes. Dean, listen. You are in the hospital. You are... You are in a coma. You..._

\- _In a coma? Yeah, right._

\+ _It’s true! What’s the last thing you remember?_

- _I was in the bunker and... no, I was in a motel room. But... I was alone. I... I was drunk, I think? And... Then I woke up here._

Sam feels so guilty and it shows on his face. Dean looks at him, confused.

\- _Sam... What are you doing here? You... You said..._

Tears start welling in his eyes again and he knows that if he keeps talking, his voice will break, so he turns his head.

Seeing his brother like this, Sam realizes how much he’s hurt Dean.

\+ _Dean... I- I know what I said and... I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just... I was pissed and I said some hurtful things but... When Cas told me... I swear I didn’t mean any of it._

Dean keeps crying and he doesn’t look at his brother.

\+ _Dean, please! You have to believe me!_

Now Sam feels his eyes watering. He needs to make him see he still cares.

\+ _Please, Dean... I know I hurt you and that you don’t think that I care anymore but I do. You are my big brother, I’ve looked up to you my whole life. You’ve always been there for me and... I know I hurt you many times but... I’m sorry, I truly am. I need you to wake up. I need my big brother with me. Please..._

He doesn’t know if Dean can understand anything he’s saying as his voice is full of emotion. He tries shaking his shoulder, but Dean just keeps looking down, tears running down his cheeks.

Sam takes the amulet from his pocket and holds it in between their hands as he pulls him in a hug.

\+ _Dean, please. Don’t give up. You can’t give up. You gotta hold on. You... If not for me, for Cas. He needs you._

At this, Dean seems to lift his head but still doesn’t look up. Sam holds his hand tighter and pulls back so he can look at him.

\+ _This... I gave it to you when we were kids because... because I realized that you were always there, taking care of me, and you always would. I- I-_

He let’s go of Dean’s hand and he can’t help but to start sobbing.

Dean looks at his hand, where the necklace rests and, without looking up, he starts talking.

\- _You... How... How did you get it back? I... I threw it away. I..._

\+ _I had help finding it._


	7. Chapter 7

\- _You had help? From who? I... I thought it was lost._

\+ _Dean... I don’t... That’s not important. Right now you have to focus on waking up. Please, Dean..._

\- _Sam, who helped you? Why don’t you want to tell me?_

\+ _Dean, I... I don’t want you to get mad._

Dean stares at his brother, who gets nervous. _Who could have helped him that he thinks I’m gonna get mad? Someone I don’t trust, that’s for sure. And someone I wouldn’t even think about working with. But who... No. No, it couldn’t be..._

Sam sees his brother realizing who it was and he doesn’t know how to explain, but he has to say something.

\+ _Dean... Let me-_

\- _Sam, please, don’t tell me that you..._ –Sam looks down in guilt– _Crowley?! The fucking King of Hell?!_

\+ _Dean, please. Let me explain. You have to-_

\- _I don’t have to do anything! You got mad at me for working with an angel and now you are working with a demon? Again?_

Sam looks at his brother, but no words come out of his mouth. But he has to try again.

\+ _Dean, hear me out, please._

\- _Okay. Explain. Make me understand how you thought it a good idea to work with the King of Hell. Tell me how y-_

\+ _Dean! I did it for you!_

\- _For me? Yeah, right. Last I recall, you didn’t need me around. You didn’t want me around. So, excuse me if I don’t believe you._

\+ _You are wrong! I do need you. I’ll always need you. You have to believe me! Please, Dean. I know I hurt you, but I already told you I was wrong._

\- _But you weren’t, don’t you see? We keep doing this. We keep saving each other by working with angels and demons, no matter the consequences. I mean, I sold my soul for you and brought in the Apocalypse. And you... You were working with a demon for a year so you could bring me back. How is that okay?_

\+ _Dean..._

\- _No, Sam. It’s not right! Tell me, what did Crowley ask in return?_

\+ _Um... He... Well..._

Dean sighs tiredly.

\- _Just tell me, Sam._

\+ _He wanted me to free him._

\- _Of course he did._

\+ _Dean..._

\- _Just... Leave it, Sam._

Dean looks so tired, and Sam doesn’t know what to do. It seems as if he’s lost all his will to fight.

\+ _But..._

Dean turns and starts walking down the corridor.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam wakes up with tears on his eyes.

\+ _Cas... He’s gone. He doesn’t want to wake up. He..._

* _Sam, I’m sure he will wake up. He will realize that you-_

\+ _No, Cas. He doesn’t want anything with me. I’ve lost him._

With that, Sam turns to leave the hospital room but, before he leaves, he stops by the door to look at the laying form of his brother. _I’m sorry, Dean._

Cas is left in the room with an unconscious Dean and his thoughts. He sits down next to Dean and holds his hand again.

* _Dean... How can I make you see that we need you? That you have to come back?_ –He runs his fingers through his hair and down his cheek– _Dean, I promise you I will bring you back. I’ll make you come back. I swear. Just... Don’t give up just yet._

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

* ... Just... Don’t give up just yet.

Dean hears Cas but he doesn’t think he has it in him to fight anymore. But then, he feels something warm caress his cheek and pressure on his hand. _Is that Cas?_

\- _Cas... I... I need you here. I need to see you at least one more time. There’s so many things I’ve got to tell you._

Just as he’s thinking of a way to talk to Cas again, he hears noise come from one of the doors. He doesn’t want to go through his memories again, but he doesn’t know what else to do, so he goes in.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Sam gets to the bunker and sits in his favorite chair in the library. He covers his face with his hands and sighs. _I’m stupid. So stupid. How could I say something like that? Fuck! And how could I think that he would want to come back? That I would convince him to wake up?_ He feels his eyes tearing up, but he can’t break down.

He stands and heads to his room, but on his way, he passed by Dean’s room. Without thinking about it, he entered and stood by the door. Everything is so organized... He sees the few pictures they own on the desk, but he tries not to look at them, as he is sure he would break down, but he can’t help it. He picks them up and sits by the bed.

\+ _Don’t cry, Sam. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. He will be fine. Cas... Cas will think of something. He will bring Dean back._

Like that, holding the pictures and repeating like a mantra that everything will be fine he falls asleep in his brother’s bed.

**. | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | . | .**

Dean finds himself in his room at Bobby’s. He looks around and sees a younger version of himself sitting in the bed, a bottle of whiskey on his hand and a piece of clothing on the other, but he can’t see what it is.

Just then, he hears a sob and sees tears running down his other self’s face while holding the clothing tighter.

\- _Oh, no. Please, no._

He remembers this day. He had just lost Cas in the lake and the whole day he had tried to play it as if he didn’t care, but when Bobby confront him about it he had locked himself in his room. He had spent the rest of the night crying and thinking of Cas.

Dean: _Idiot. Why did he have to open Purgatory? Cas... You could have come to me for help. Why did you have to ask Crowley for help?_

He chokes with another sob and he drinks some more.

Dean: _Stop it, Dean. He betrayed you. He left you, abandon you. Oh, but how can I hate him? He’s too important to me._

Dean doesn’t want to see this moment. This moment of weakness. _I need to get out of here._ He starts looking around for a way out. He finds the door to the corridor and runs out of this room where he still can hear his own sobs.

Once in the hallway, he closes the door and he thinks that’s it, but he hadn’t count on his mind tricking him. He could run from that room, but he couldn’t run from the memories on his head.

_ Memory Dean _ _: He’s too important to me. I can’t... Cas... Why did you have to die? Oh, fuck. The way he looked at me... He knew he would die. He knew and he just wanted to redeem himself. Stupid idiot. My angel..._

_He started to fold the trenchcoat and he felt something on its pocket. He put his hand in and he found a picture of the both of them there._

_It was a nice picture. They were in Bobby’s living room with Sam, Bobby, Ellen and Jo. They were all at peace and happy, even though they were dealing with the damn Apocalypse. Everyone is laughing, but you can see Dean and Cas staring at each other with a smile on their faces, oblivious to what was happening around them._

_Dean stares at the picture for a while, tears still running down his face but the sobs have stopped and he has a small smile on his face._

_ Memory Dean _ _: Cas... My angel. My Cas. Why did you have to leave me? I never thought I would lose you. You... You were always there for me. And now..._

_He sighs and lays down while holding the trenchcoat tight. “It still smells like Cas”._

Dean can’t stop thinking about those moments. When he had lost one of the most important people in his life and he couldn’t do anything about it. He remembers the depression, the alcohol –so much alcohol... And to top it all, he had to lay low because the fucking leviathans were after them. Those were tough times. But then... He remembers when he saw Cas –or Emmanuel, actually– and he didn’t recognize him. That... that hurt. But then, he still left everything he knew to help him, and he didn’t even know they were friends. Friends... They are more than friends. _I don’t know what we are, but we are definitely more than friends._

He sits against a wall in the hallway and rests his forearms on his knees, head low, and sighs.


End file.
